Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
