Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
