So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize