She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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