what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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