Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
