we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My life is pants optional.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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