Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Randomize
