i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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