i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
