I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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