just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
