i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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