I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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