I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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