the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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