My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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