If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Found your dick twin last night
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
