I think my fart just growled at me.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
