So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize