the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
