im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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