Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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