Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
no, he came in my armpit
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
