there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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