I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
