I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
