Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize