i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
