i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
