Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i think i have two assholes
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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