I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
