I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
