i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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