to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize