Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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