Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
