I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
