I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
