my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
