I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
