I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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