I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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