Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
