Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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