today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
