i think my tv is drunk
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
