I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
