I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
