Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
