I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
