what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
