I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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