I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize