You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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