my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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