I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
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