Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
