I think I won the penis lottery.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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