if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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