News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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