I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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