cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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