who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
this boner is exhausting
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
