Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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