sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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