A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
operation have a gay friend backfired
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
