On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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